Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Seeing Clearly

It's been quite a while since I've blogged. And there is a lot on my mind. So now that I am mostly on the mend I thought I'd post some thoughts about what's been going on in my life lately. Two weeks ago I had eye surgery to repair a tear in the retina of my right eye. The operation was a scleral buckling. It's in essence a band that is sutured around my eyeball. A few years ago the optometrist noted that I had a thinning in my retina and he gave me a list of signs/symptoms that would warn me when or if my retina was detached. It's funny how those warning coincided with a few things going on...
The first warning sign is flashes of light in your field of vision. These started about a month ago. I remember the first day it happened b/c I was stressed out about bills. I'd been sitting at the computer with my calculator (iPhone is my friend) and my scratch paper trying to rub two nickels to make $60. The next thing I knew there was a flash of light in the upper portion of my eye. I thought to myself, "weird." And I went back to stressing. The next day it happened again. This time it was when I was yelling at people on the TV, namely the news. As the days turned into weeks the flashes began to occur more frequently. Even at night just as I drifted off to sleep.
The next sign is floaters. I first saw the floaters the day I FINALLY got a consult at the ophthalmology clinic. I thought at first it was a small gnat bugging me. And I proceeded to look like a dork swatting at nothing. I only had to endure the floaters for a couple of days, but suffice it to say, swatting at nothing is not fun.

The final sign, which is by far the worst, is a decrease in vision. This I am very grateful and blessed to have NOT had. But I knew what it meant.

I give all this detail because with the onset of the flashes of light, I knew that somehow God was trying to get my attention and tell me to slow down. Stop and reassess. I was beginning to take on all the stress, worry and angst that I had tried to leave behind two years ago. I look at those flashes of light as a beacon that I just didn't want to see. And so they got more persistent. To the point that some days my vision was just a little wobbly afterwards. I felt off balance and out of sorts for a moment. But I ignored the signs. I realize now that I'm on the mend and feeling a little better, that we often ignore that niggling sensation in the back of our mind. Or that gut instinct. And more over God's voice telling us to look again. To see He is in the midst of all our situations...
The floaters were my this is foolishness sign. I kept ignoring and taking on more stress. I talked things over with my husband and my mom. But still I didn't give myself the respite. So imagine me at 7am trying to get up and dressed for the day, saying to myself that I was going to spend a great day with my husband and baby...then in kicks the worry and the stress. And I start thinking about the groceries, the chores, the diapers, the training schedule, the holidays, etc., etc...And viola! A floater. And he stays long enough to be given a name and possibly take up residence. And I in my infinite nerdiness am swatting at NOTHING! And that's what all my worries are. Nothing. Everyday something new pops up and I try to tackle it. I try to be uber army wife(HH6 is a whole 'nother blog), super mom, and diva extraordinaire. It's that mask that you hear about in church and read about in self help books. The one that we as women feel we have to wear. And men, you do it too. We put it on so we can swat at the miniscule black dot that isn't really there. So we look put together. On point. But in reality we aren't. And that just were I was. Standing in front of my mirror trying to be all and swatting at nothing. Refusing to admit that my new friend wasn't really there and ignoring my beacon...
I'm very grateful I didn't have that final warning sign. But I think had I not been confronted with this choice of surgery that very day or a few days later, I took the latter option, I would have had a serious problem. As I lay in the OR (awake for surgery nonetheless) I finally started to piece it together. It wasn't until several days later that I realized God's spirit had been ministering to me and it took Him showing me that I was worrying at the risk of losing my eye or damaging my eyesight that I understood what He was trying to say. And even if you aren't Christian you can still relate...
This world is full of so many things that can weigh you down and do some serious damage to your soul and your mental state. And it never changes. As soon as a problem is solved another worry pops up to take it's place. It's like roaches (eww, but apropos). When you spray to kill the entire colony at least two survive and develop and immunity to it. So they make more roaches. And so goes the cycle. That's how worries are. And warning signs. Everytime you think you've let it go. Another one pops up. And we just attach it to our neverending link of worries and keep trudging along...After two weeks of light duty and some serious quiet time, I've deciced to push myself to not worry so much. To REALLY let things go. And not just say I'm doing it.
Today I see 20/20 in my left eye and 20/60 in my right eye with my glasses on. In a few weeks I'll need a new prescription and at that point I'll see 20/20 in both eyes... But today I can say I see more clearly than I ever have. And that is always is a good thing...

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