Household 6: Keep things Together

Yesterday, I had one of those encounters you have that makes you stop and think. I was at Winn Dixie (yes it's safe to go there now, no more tainted meat.) shopping for a few quick things when the workers there stopped to talk to my daughter. As always, she was social and giggly. Then the shift manager looked me in the eye and asked "Does she see the Lord?" I stopped and thought, "Well yes. All babies do." All children see God with much more clarity than even the most seasoned saints... So I smiled and told him "Yes, yes she does." He then touched her arm and smiled at her. After we'd checked out, he said to me, "Thank you! And keep things together." That statement knocked a pause in me. I thought, whoah. Wait, what? And as I walked back to the car, I started pondering why he would have said that very statement to me. I realized it was another of those "Godly" encounters that are meant to minister to you and make you think. And trust me, this Household 6 needs to think about keeping it together...
In case you're wondering HH6 is defined as :A military man's stay-at-home wife. Sometimes keeps up with the arduous tasks of shining boots, picking up laundry, and shopping, but mostly just a strain on meager Department of Defense budgets, and the military husband. The name is derived from where said wife spends most of her time, and the number 6 is the designation for a commander of a Company/Troop, Battalion/Squadron, Brigade/Regiment, Division or Corps.
It's a semi-thankless job. But I don't expect thanks. Especially because I do it because I have no choice. I love my solider. Body and soul. He is my best friend, my rock, my lover, and soul mate...But HH6 is a hard and rough job. There are days when I want to just give up. Or when Ryan and I argue I want to pinch him because he doesn't see what I go through. Then there are the days he comes home and loves on me and I know he sees me...
HH6 is not for the faint of heart. This I know from experience. Two years ago, when Ryan deployed, I dived feet head first into the role of HH6. At this time we were night unto sinking. We were a young couple with a lot of debt. But what do you do when you're married and have nothing. Get credit cards. (Attention fellow wives! DON'T FOLLOW THIS EXAMPLE!)And we were struggling to make a penny into a dime. When Ryan got orders to deploy, I was left with no plan. No back-up. Only orders to take care of myself and be strong.
It was a long fifteen months. But I learned to do a lot of new things. I can now fix a toilet, recycle with the best of them. Mow the lawn, pick up 25lbs of dog poop, pay all the bills, fix a car, wash a car and wax it...That is in addition to my passions of cooking, reading, and Law and Order SVU marathons. But in those months I found out what kind of woman I wanted to be. What kind of woman God was making me into. And guess what? HH6 Kunkel slowly emerged...
Fast forward to today and that man's statement is right on. I do have to keep things together. I believe my husband is head of this household, but I am it's heart. And when I'm happy our home is happy. When I'm mad, or sad, etc. Well you get the gist. Being a military wife isn't easy. And when I meet women who are new to this life they always ask the same question: What the secret? And I always respond that you have to make this life fit you. Not the other way around. There are days when I'm so lonely, and days when I thrive. But I never let the Army change me. Or define who I am. I'm not an Army wife first. I'm Ryan's wife, A'aleiya's mother and then an Army wife.
I keep this house together. With love, prayer, tears, oven burns, green bags, and sheer determination. And I needed that reminder to just keep things together. But also to remember who is in absolute control, my heavenly father.
So to all my fellow HH6's just remember to keep things together.

Seeing Clearly

It's been quite a while since I've blogged. And there is a lot on my mind. So now that I am mostly on the mend I thought I'd post some thoughts about what's been going on in my life lately. Two weeks ago I had eye surgery to repair a tear in the retina of my right eye. The operation was a scleral buckling. It's in essence a band that is sutured around my eyeball. A few years ago the optometrist noted that I had a thinning in my retina and he gave me a list of signs/symptoms that would warn me when or if my retina was detached. It's funny how those warning coincided with a few things going on...

The first warning sign is flashes of light in your field of vision. These started about a month ago. I remember the first day it happened b/c I was stressed out about bills. I'd been sitting at the computer with my calculator (iPhone is my friend) and my scratch paper trying to rub two nickels to make $60. The next thing I knew there was a flash of light in the upper portion of my eye. I thought to myself, "weird." And I went back to stressing. The next day it happened again. This time it was when I was yelling at people on the TV, namely the news. As the days turned into weeks the flashes began to occur more frequently. Even at night just as I drifted off to sleep.

The next sign is floaters. I first saw the floaters the day I FINALLY got a consult at the ophthalmology clinic. I thought at first it was a small gnat bugging me. And I proceeded to look like a dork swatting at nothing. I only had to endure the floaters for a couple of days, but suffice it to say, swatting at nothing is not fun.

The final sign, which is by far the worst, is a decrease in vision. This I am very grateful and blessed to have NOT had. But I knew what it meant.

I give all this detail because with the onset of the flashes of light, I knew that somehow God was trying to get my attention and tell me to slow down. Stop and reassess. I was beginning to take on all the stress, worry and angst that I had tried to leave behind two years ago. I look at those flashes of light as a beacon that I just didn't want to see. And so they got more persistent. To the point that some days my vision was just a little wobbly afterwards. I felt off balance and out of sorts for a moment. But I ignored the signs. I realize now that I'm on the mend and feeling a little better, that we often ignore that niggling sensation in the back of our mind. Or that gut instinct. And more over God's voice telling us to look again. To see He is in the midst of all our situations...

The floaters were my this is foolishness sign. I kept ignoring and taking on more stress. I talked things over with my husband and my mom. But still I didn't give myself the respite. So imagine me at 7am trying to get up and dressed for the day, saying to myself that I was going to spend a great day with my husband and baby...then in kicks the worry and the stress. And I start thinking about the groceries, the chores, the diapers, the training schedule, the holidays, etc., etc...And viola! A floater. And he stays long enough to be given a name and possibly take up residence. And I in my infinite nerdiness am swatting at NOTHING! And that's what all my worries are. Nothing. Everyday something new pops up and I try to tackle it. I try to be uber army wife(HH6 is a whole 'nother blog), super mom, and diva extraordinaire. It's that mask that you hear about in church and read about in self help books. The one that we as women feel we have to wear. And men, you do it too. We put it on so we can swat at the miniscule black dot that isn't really there. So we look put together. On point. But in reality we aren't. And that just were I was. Standing in front of my mirror trying to be all and swatting at nothing. Refusing to admit that my new friend wasn't really there and ignoring my beacon...

I'm very grateful I didn't have that final warning sign. But I think had I not been confronted with this choice of surgery that very day or a few days later, I took the latter option, I would have had a serious problem. As I lay in the OR (awake for surgery nonetheless) I finally started to piece it together. It wasn't until several days later that I realized God's spirit had been ministering to me and it took Him showing me that I was worrying at the risk of losing my eye or damaging my eyesight that I understood what He was trying to say. And even if you aren't Christian you can still relate...

This world is full of so many things that can weigh you down and do some serious damage to your soul and your mental state. And it never changes. As soon as a problem is solved another worry pops up to take it's place. It's like roaches (eww, but apropos). When you spray to kill the entire colony at least two survive and develop and immunity to it. So they make more roaches. And so goes the cycle. That's how worries are. And warning signs. Everytime you think you've let it go. Another one pops up. And we just attach it to our neverending link of worries and keep trudging along...After two weeks of light duty and some serious quiet time, I've deciced to push myself to not worry so much. To REALLY let things go. And not just say I'm doing it.

Today I see 20/20 in my left eye and 20/60 in my right eye with my glasses on. In a few weeks I'll need a new prescription and at that point I'll see 20/20 in both eyes... But today I can say I see more clearly than I ever have. And that is always is a good thing...

A New Life..again

One constant with being a military family? Moving. And I'm gearing up for my 6th move in four years! SIXTH! It's never easy. Always full of stress and heartache. You begin to miss the place you've formed a life in. You miss that store where you could go at 6am. Or that Wal-Mart where no one shopped and you could at least tolerate. You miss the farmer's market, and the weather...You miss that malls. But then your eyes turn to the horizon ahead...

And you start to anticipate the life you could make in the next PCS Move. For me, this move is going to be about being a family. My husband told me when we made the decision to commission that our lives, his career, and our future would never be the same. I feel that, I'm beginning to see it. Slowly but surely. This time when I join Ryan, it will be with our daughter A'aleiya!

I cannot wait to experience Georgia, Fort Benning and this new part of our Army life with her! And her father! We'll be able to go to Atlanta, Savannah, the beach, the Olympic park...And just enjoy being a family...

For me? I'll pursue my Army Family Team Building Certificates to Instruct and get involved in the FRG. And look to the future...

Every story has a beginning and I'm starting mine already in progress.

I've decided to give blogging a shot. I love to write and I have a knack (at least I think I do) for doing so. My life the last couple of years has been full of insights, stories, and growth; and there are days I wish I had kept my thoughts or put them out there for others to read. My goal with this blog is to just have fun. Share my insights and learn something about myself in the process. So welcome to the musings of this Army wife and mother...